


And They Lived Happily Ever After

by DragonRoarAtDaybreak



Category: Original Work
Genre: Comedy, M/M, Princess - Freeform, Romance, dragon - Freeform, fairytale, prince - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:35:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25005520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonRoarAtDaybreak/pseuds/DragonRoarAtDaybreak
Summary: In a land of magic not far away from here, the famous Prince is destined to save his betrothed, the beautiful Princess, from a Dragon-guarded castle, and unite their parents' kingdoms. But all plans fall through when the fantastic love story everyone was waiting to unfold takes an unexpected turn.-- Written as a theater script, made to be enjoyed as you wish --
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	1. Foreword

> _“Ah, love...!”_  
>  \- A peasant

_About this work_

This is the official translation of the original play (in French), by the same author, crafted years after writing the original version. As such, one who would happen to know the original shall undoubtedly find differences with the said original version, because the author judged it was better told this way, because has been getting older, or because he didn’t care a single bit in the world and felt like modifying it on a whim.

The writer didn't even consider cutting down the play into acts, the stage director is free to consider adding intermissions whenever they want, at least if they want to add some.

The stage directions and other descriptions describe the author's vision over their own work. The stage director should be free to do whatever they want with them. Should they end up alter the true and intended play purpose, they will have to make up with their own conscientiousness.

***

_Audience entrance_

The audience should be kindly welcomed by kind, attentionate country-dwellers who contributed together to make this representation possible. Potatoes, flowers, or tiny fruits could be offered to the audience as they enter the staging area.

The audience shall be kindly reminded to not disturb the play by turning off any electronic device which could possibly emit a sound, emit light, or worse. They’ll be reminded to not talk during the play, because that’s usually the work of the people on stage. The audience should be told about any anti-troll measure taken.  
One should apologize on the theater’s behalf for the smell.  
Eventually, one should wish everyone a good play.  
The lights turn off and the curtain rises.

The reader should be sure to have comfortably taken place wherever they chose to read.  
They should not feel forced to read the play.  
We hope that we will make them smile, even if that’s an embarrassed or scornful smile.


	2. Scene 1 - Predestination

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _On the birth day of their progeny, excited parents do what it takes to insure their children's future._
> 
> _List of characters_
> 
> THE KING FROM HERE  
> THE SISTER FROM HERE  
> THE QUEEN FROM HERE  
> THE KING FROM NEARBY  
> THE SISTER FROM NEARBY  
> THE QUEEN FROM NEARBY  
> THE STORYTELLER  
> THE COURTIERS  
> THE GOOD FAIRY FROM HERE  
> THE GOOD FAIRY FROM NEARBY  
> THE SERVANT
> 
> ***

_Lights are off._

_The following lines come from stage right, we don’t know from where exactly._

THE KING FROM HERE, _exclaiming_ \- Miracle ! It’s a miracle !

THE SISTER FROM HERE - Yes, it’s a boy !

THE KING FROM HERE - Fantastic ! Fabulous !

THE QUEEN FROM HERE, _exclaiming as greatly_ \- He’s beautiful !

THE SISTER FROM HERE - Indeed, since it’s a boy !

_The following lines come from stage left, we don’t know from where exactly._

THE KING FROM NEARBY _, exclaiming_ \- Marvelous! Ah, marvelous sweetness !

THE SISTER FROM NEARBY - Yes indeed, it’s a girl!

THE KING FROM NEARBY - Prodigious! Wonderful!

THE QUEEN FROM NEARBY, _exclaiming as loud as her husband, maybe more_ \- She’s beautiful!

_Lights on the forestage. The Storyteller enters, a bun on their head, dressed like an excellent, experienced storyteller. The bun is important, since they are a skilled storyteller. If they have the hair too short, they should feel free to wear an imaginary bun._

THE STORYTELLER – Once upon a time, not so far away, two royal families ruled two different kingdoms, one here, and one nearby. Each family was ruling its own kingdom in a firm but just way, or at least, firm enough to not be contested, and thus, considered just. Living a peaceful exstence made of casual armed conflicts over a few inches of land, these two families, friend in time of peace and foes in time of war, were enjoying their noble existence until this blessed day. At the same hour, under the same weather, the former from the royal couple of the Kingdom of Here got a boy, and the royal couple of the Kingdom of Nearby got a girl.

 _The Storyteller exits the stage as silently as they entered, like a bookworm._ _Lights on the stage._

_The setting is a royal interior space, from 500 BC, maybe 1000 BC, even 1500 BC - in all cases, it shall feel like the golden age of the Dark Ages, the glorious age of knighthood, religion, pointless wars, fortified castles, necessary noble ladies and their undisputed, provincial lords, but also an age where enchanted forests, dreamlike creatures, actual magic and pretty real legends were topical. In this castle context, there is a throne in the middle, next to another, smaller throne. Two cradles, one stage right, one stage left, mirror each other._

_Both Kings rush to the stage, the one from Here coming stage right, the one from Nearby coming from stage left, both of them wearing a splendid fur cape and golden crown, both of them carrying their child in a luxurious bassinet. The King from Here, despite its extreme haste and joy, takes care to put down the bassinet in the cradle on stage right. The King from Nearby, having difficulty to hide his excitement, looks at the King from Here, and imitates him, putting is baby in the cradle on stage left. The two Kings look at their child like a king getting its first crown: hopping up and down. The two Queens enter shortly after them, surprisingly already ready and fit to be seen by the audience, with splendid attire, small tiaras and a measured joy, like good Queens. They’re followed closely by the nuns from their respective kingdom, and, at last, by all their courtiers, who shall still keep a respectable distance. The two Queens eventually notice each other._

THE QUEEN FROM HERE, _surprised, to the Queen from Nearby_ \- So, you too!

THE QUEEN FROM NEARBY - What a noteworthy happenstance! Thank you for lending us part of your castle! You are so kind and generous in times of peace.

THE QUEEN FROM HERE, _kindly_ \- Oh, no need to mention it, you’re so welcome. You are so great believers, you and your husband, it’s a real pleasure.

THE QUEEN FROM NEARBY - May the Sun bless you too, my dear noble neighbor.

THE KING FROM HERE, _to the Nun from Here_ \- Sister! Can you en-religize my child right now?

THE KING FROM NEARBY, _to the Nun from Nearby_ \- Yes! My child too! Can you?

THE SISTER FROM HERE, _all giddily_ \- Yes, I think I can do it!

THE SISTER FROM NEARBY, _all bravely_ \- Yes, me too!

_The two Sisters take out a jug of water out of nowhere and pour it all over their respective babies._

THE TWO SISTERS _–_ **For soul respite and mind reliefs, you shall now share the same beliefs!**

_Now the two babies are soaked._

_Nothing else happens._

THE TWO KINGS, _over the moon -_ Sweet Sun! Thank you!

_The Sisters, very glad, exit the stage under the royal couple thanks._

THE KING FROM NEARBY - It is so reassuring to know them safe from the Night now.

THE KING FROM HERE - Yes, they shall now always stay on a clear path! What a gift we are offering them, it was certainly not that easy for us.

THE KING FROM NEARBY - My noble neighbor, that should be it! The true joy of parenting.

THE QUEEN FROM NEARBY, _to the Queen from Here_ \- Do you know when the Good Fairies are supposed to arrive?

THE QUEEN FROM HERE - You mean, the Fairy Godmothers? They’re probably late, like a lot of fairies. And godmothers.

_Enter then the fairy godmothers, the Good Fairies, in the noteworthy amount of two, one for each child. Spinning and flying around like good fairies, they’re chit-chatting without a single care in the magical world. They are quite fashionable, these Good Fairies, with their tiny magical wands and their tiny magical wings. Smart, more subtle than they look, maybe even clever… but that’s pretty much all._

THE GOOD FAIRY FROM HERE – And so, like, you know what this sunhole tells me? ( _She imitates an obviously annoying mage._ ) ‘Go take a hike in your enchanted woods, you birch! You won't get a single drop of my potion!’

THE GOOD FAIRY FROM NEARBY, _shocked_ \- Ah, what an egg!

QUEEN FROM HERE, _offended_ \- Oh, sweet light, could you please watch your mouth in front of the babies?

THE GOOD FAIRY FROM HERE - They… can’t get us.

THE QUEEN FROM NEARBY, _outraged_ \- Ah, what a cheek they have!

THE GOOD FAIRY FROM NEARBY, _nudging at the Good Fairy from Here_ \- More than one, if you ask me!

_The two Good Fairies laugh out loud coarsely as the two Queens are even more offended. The Courtiers start to whisper and spread unwelcoming rumors. The two Kings get visibly exasperated, especially the King from Here, quickly imitated by the King from Nearby._

THE KING FROM HERE, _authoritarian_ \- Whatever! Is that a time to show up? The kids are born already!

THE KING FROM NEARBY - What in the Realm could have been more urgent than the birth of our delicious children that will unite our two radiant kingdoms?

THE KING FROM HERE, _who can’t help but brag about_ \- Yes! Especially... mine!

THE GOOD FAIRY FROM NEARBY, _quite bothered_ – Oh, well, we’ll see when you two kids will find yourself stuck between two trolls on the beltway out of the glitter forest! In the meantime, you shall keep your tongue-hole shut.

THE GOOD FAIRY FROM HERE, _impish_ – Well said, cousin! Let’s not lose any more of our magical time here, and give to these children the happiness their parents want.

_As the two Good Fairies show their annoyance, the royal couples have no choice but accept it. The parents and the Courtiers all gather, leaving space for the Good Fairies and their magical presence. The Good Fairy from Nearby gets graciously close to the Princess’s cradle, then recites her magical spell, making her magical wand swing, twirl, and shake._

THE GOOD FAIRY FROM NEARBY _–_ Oh, dear child...!

**By the Power of Me and Love that Lasts**

**Thou shall turn family into more enthusiasts!**

**I give you a fairy's beauty and wit**

**At least way enough for your path to be lit.**

**You shall live true passion for the man next to thee**

**House dedication will grant you your safety.**

**Prepare for your marriage, soften your spirit**

**You shall kindly age, wait for your love to meet.**

**By the Power of Me and Love that Lasts**

**May you be a good girl for a life that blasts!**

THE GOOD FAIRY FROM HERE, _getting closer the to the Prince’s cradle_ \- Oh, sweet child… ( _She then makes the same magical shenanigans with her hands and wand._ )

**By the Power of Me and Love that Lasts**

**Thou shall turn family into more enthusiasts!**

**I give you bravery, please do not be a nit**

**Follow well chivalry for your path to be lit.**

**You shall live true passion for the girl next to thee**

**She won’t want compassion, just masculinity.**

**Prepare for your marriage, sharpen your blade**

**You shall find courage, fight to please your maid.**

**By the Power of Me and Love that Lasts**

**May you be a good boy for a life that blasts!**

THE GOOD FAIRIES, _together in harmony_ - **For goodness’s sake and badness’s fall, your love shall awake and unite us all!**

_On these words, each Fairy points at their respective baby._

_Silence._

_Magic._

THE GOOD FAIRY FROM HERE _\- Voilà._

THE GOOD FAIRY FROM NEARBY _-_ It’s done!

_A pause. Then, the Good Fairies, their work now over, get back to casual chit-chatting._

THE GOOD FAIRY FROM NEARBY _-_ So, about that guy… You really pushed him into a troll’s chamber pot?

THE GOOD FAIRY FROM HERE _-_ Sweety, trolls don’t even use chamber pots.

_Of course, all of this triviality is no one else’s concern. As the Good Fairies step back from the babies’ cradles, the parents, all excited, gather back around their progeny, hopping up and down like children._

THE KING FROM NEARBY, _shaken_ \- What a show, what a magical show! I’m all giddy about it.

THE KING FROM HERE, _in the same state_ \- Fabulous! Here is our son ( _he lowers his enthusiasm_ ) - and, hum, your girl, too, of course - ( _he gets very enthusiastic again_ ) in good wishes!

THE KING FROM NEARBY, _taking his wife’s hands_ \- Our little girl...

THE QUEEN FROM NEARBY, _moved_ \- Yes, she’s all safe now...

THE QUEEN FROM HERE, _even more moved_ \- We should warn our people!

THE KING FROM HERE, _taking his wife’s hands even harder_ \- Ah, you are so very right, my dear! Servant!

THE SERVANT, _entering stage, out of breath_ \- Yes, my King? Ah, yes, congratulations, my King! For your baby, my King!

THE KING FROM HERE – Yes, obviously, yes! But will you please warn the herald about the birth and the predestination of my son!

THE KING FROM NEARBY - And my daughter!

THE KING FROM HERE - And his daughter! The Son of the Kingdom of Here, and the Daughter of the Kingdom of Nearby. In this order. Both born, both predestined to eternal love. Do not mess this up. Oh, and you can add promises of peace, also. As soon as they’ll get married though, not before.

THE SERVANT _-_ Well said, my King! Understood, my King! Right away, my King!

_The Servant goes out quickly but efficiently. Everyone is happy, the birds are singing, the entire world is beautiful and can rejoice of the future peace relying on the promised, consensual love of two newborn._

_But suddenly, the King from Nearby is tragically doubtful. It seems serious enough to affect his royal mood._

THE KING FROM NEARBY – Ahhhh! But… But… And if all of this wasn’t enough?!

THE QUEEN FROM NEARBY, suddenly panicked – What? How’s that ?

THE KING FROM NEARBY, _disturbing everyone else’s mood_ \- What if this wasn’t enough for our children?! Will this magic be enough?! All the efforts we put in throwing this spell and wishing them perfection… What if this wasn’t enough?!

THE GOOD FAIRY FROM NEARBY – Honestly, we gave our best.

THE GOOD FAIRY FROM HERE - Yeah, I know some magic myself, and I can tell it was the best we could do.

THE KING FROM NEARBY - But exactly, your magic! What if my daughter’s extraordinary beauty attracted a fantazillion of men all as vulgar as the other, thus putting her at the mercy of these pieces of peasants and the dangers of life?

THE GOOD FAIRY FROM NEARBY - Are you worrying for your daughter? That’s normal, as a dad.

THE QUEEN FROM NEARBY, _panicked_ – But... he’s right! Our poor little girl may suffer if she must confront this… so cruel world of ours… All these wars and insecurities and… Mean people… She could even be manipulated by a narcissistic sociopath that could make her drink one of these forbidden love potions that could completely ruin her psychological stability-

_She starts to suffocate, waving air at her face with a hand. As she’s on the brink of fainting, her royal husband catches her._

THE KING FROM NEARBY, _to his wife_ – Calm down, honey, your blood pressure...

_The King gets suddenly enlightened._

THE KING FROM HERE – AH HA! I have an idea!

THE KING FROM NEARBY, _still holding his wife, skeptical_ \- Oh yeah? _You_ have an idea?

THE KING FROM HERE, _getting suddenly friendly with the King from Nearby, as if they were old friends –_ My dear old friend ( _see?_ ), as we say in my kingdom, ‘what worked once is always the best thing to do’. You see, I have heard that a lot of wealthy, royal couples - so, exactly like us - have kept their daughters in the highest tower of the sturdiest dungeon of the most unassailable fortified castle, filled with puzzles and crafty traps, all of this guarded by the most ferocious of all dragons. ( _The King from Nearby gets quite interested._ ) This way, all the idiotic, pretentious whippersnappers who would want to get their hand over your precious little girl will finish impaled, smashed, squished, eaten, burnt, trampled, or any spectacular death you want - but they won’t be able to reach her.

THE KING FROM NEARBY, _really into it_ \- Eh… Not bad, not bad!

THE QUEEN FROM HERE, _nodding_ – And it works.

THE QUEEN FROM NEARBY, _with a notably calmer breathing_ – But… If no one can reach her... How will your son be able to save her?

THE KING FROM HERE, _proud and confident_ – Well, my son is the best, obviously. Furthermore, he has been blessed. He is courageous. He is wise. He is clear-sighted. He will be strong and trained for battle against the filthiest of the creatures. And, especially, _he_ will be the only one with have the map of the castle.

THE KING FROM NEARBY – Ooooh, I like the sound of that!

THE QUEEN FROM HERE – We’re telling you.

THE GOOD FAIRY FROM HERE, _skeptical -_ Hum, wait, hold your dragons for a sec. Okay, this has been used by many royal couples for many princesses, but how can we be sure the Princess will grow sane and happy all by herself, locked in this dungeon?

THE GOOD FAIRY FROM NEARBY, _excited_ \- Oh, oh, I could raise her! I could give her things to do, like, teaching her how to sew, how to make flower crowns, how to sing, how to lift heavy objects, how to open rusty jars with a lid - you know, princess stuff! After all, I'm her fairy godmother. I can make sure that the only man that will save her is our Prince here.

_Even if that doesn't seem to fully convince the Good Fairy from Here, everyone else seems content and satisfied._

THE KING FROM NEARBY, _happy and reassured_ \- Perfect, perfect! Then, make haste! May the most fortified of my castles be requisitioned, may the fiercest of dragons be caught, and may my daughter learn patience - let’s set up this formidable plan!

_From the royal heads to the Courtiers' face, everyone looks jolly, ready to live happily._

_Lights off._


	3. Scene 2 - Departure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eighteen years later, the Prince is knighted and leaves for his rescue quest with his Squire, under the cheering of almost everyone.
> 
> _List of characters_
> 
> THE STORYTELLER  
> THE PEOPLE  
> THE KING FROM HERE  
> THE QUEEN FROM HERE  
> THE PRINCE  
> THE SQUIRE  
> THE COURTIERS  
> THE HERALD  
> THE SERVANT  
> THE KING’S UNCLE’S BROTHER-IN-LAW’S COUSIN  
> THE SQUIRE OF THE KING’S UNCLE’S BROTHER-IN-LAW’S COUSIN
> 
> ***

_ Lights on the forestage. Here stands the Storyteller, amid the People doing casual, Dark Age People things - but silently, so that we can hear the Storyteller. _

THE STORYTELLER – Barely born, the two kids were already predestined to this royal future. Their education went perfectly - the Prince was raised as intended with great emphasis on all aspects, and the Princess was locked down in the most attentionate and cheerful way, under the watchful although impish guidance of her Fairy Godmother. The Prince and the Princess were promised to a great love for the other, described as the couple that will unite the kingdoms and bring long-awaited serenity. Time flew by peacefully. The Kings were making sure that everyone in their Kingdom was hearing about the Princess and the Prince, so that many brazen souls would try to rescue the Princess before the Prince and somehow win her love. Of course, they were all too proud and boisterous, and so would perish tragically, only making the Prince’s destiny more famous. Then, after eighteen years for tension building and carefully crafted storytelling, came the glorious day of the Prince’s knighting…

_ The Storyteller exits the forestage. We hear the People doing their People activities when the lights on stage are turned on. There is the throne room, as shiny and showy as it was eighteen years ago - maybe even more trophies decorates its walls, sign of successful conquests and battles. The People, from the forestage, try to gather around the stage, peeping in what is happening on the throne room. The King and the Queen from Here are standing there, in front of their respective thrones. A shield rests against the Queen’s throne - it’s quite pretty, decorated with flower tinsels and precious fabrics that would doubtedly resist an ogre’s charge. But, you know, it’s pretty. _

_ The young, grown-up Prince is here, too. He kneels before his father, under the watchful although sisterly guidance of his Fairy Godmother - and of the Priest, too, who looks far more dull and far more grey. The Prince’s Squire, of feminine sex and gender, dressed like the good Squire she is, is standing not so far from the Prince and looks quite excited. The Courtiers are standing in most of the throne room, leaving little space to see for the People who would peep at the windows not appreciate the beauty and symbolism of such scene. The Herald and the Servant are in one of the corners of the stage, not so far from the People. Finally, on the side of the room, looking from far away, but not too far to avoid looking like a worthless peasant, the audience can make out the King’s Uncle’s Brother-in-Law’s Cousin, looking like a knight of feminine sex and gender, with the build of a knight and the cape of a knight, one of these stylish capes that leave a great impression. She looks down upon the scene silently. Right next to her, the audience may or may not make out her Squire, who does not look as knightly, gendered, stylish, or impressive as her. The last guests enters the stage while complaining silently about the lack of fried gryphon and cherry blossom salad at the tables as the King from Here asks for silence. _

THE KING FROM HERE,  _ loud and proud _ \- My dear, brave people! Here we are today to celebrate the knighting of my beloved son! ( _ He hops up and down, all excited. _ ) Oh, my son, my dearest son!

THE PRINCE,  _ embarrassed  _ \- Father... Please...

THE KING FROM HERE, _ clearing his throat _ \- Hum- my son! You’ve been noble by birth since long enough. During these last, long eighteen years, you demonstrated power, courage, wisdom ; your honestly, loyalty, and toughness as a man honor you and your conquests. ( _ As the King from Here tells the exploits of his child, the crowd gets more and more moved, except the King’s Uncle’s Brother-in-Law’s Cousin _ .) You battled with the greatest skill against the fiercest of magical monsters ; you rode the wildest of unicorns across the harshest lands ; you explored the most ancient of dungeons and defused the trickiest traps ; you deciphered the most unintelligible of maps to discover the more lost of treasures ; and you saved the prettiest of the most single virgins from the most dangerous and intricate situations - volcanoes included. ( _ Suddenly, he gets even more royal. _ ) Thine heroic quest thou already have knowledge of. As soon as the flat of mine blade falls upon thine shoulder, bestowing on thou the grandiloquent shine of our Sun, do thou swear thou will embrace thine fate, rescue the Princess from Nearby, and rule our kingdoms through thine consecrated union?

THE PRINCE,  _ gripping the pommel of the sword hanging at his belt  _ \- On my Honor, Enlightened by the Sacred Sun, I swear I will take down, by my blade and with all the strength that inhabits me, any obstacle that would prevent me from freeing my love from their stone prison and hinder their blossom with me.

_ The Queen from Here wipes a tear off her cheek. As such, the Courtiers does the same. _

THE KING FROM HERE - Well then! In this case, may the Sun witnesses! ( _ He unsheathes his sword and knights the Prince, putting down the flat of his blade on his son’s shoulder, and on the other _ ) My son, by the powers that are mine, I declare you knight.

THE PRINCE - Father, I swear that I will fight by your side and for our Kingdom.

_ The Queen applauses. Everyone applauses. The People, hearing the applauses from the throne room, applause as well. _

THE QUEEN FROM HERE - And you, brave Squire! I dare to hope you will second my son during your whole life, and especially during this long journey ahead.

_ She takes the pretty shield and hands it to the Squire _ .

THE SQUIRE – Be sure, my Queen, that nothing in the world could break the friendship I have with your son the Prince, and no force in this world will take down your child before putting me down first.

THE QUEEN FROM HERE - Ah, brave soul! May your path be lit by the Sacred Sun!

_ Everyone applauds, except, of course, the King’s Uncle’s Brother-in-Law’s Cousin. The Squire, quite happy, brings the shield to the Prince. The newborn knight stands up and smiles at his Squire. The two look like honest friends having reached together a moment of their lives they’ve been told for many years it was an important moment. The Squire, very solemnly but not less happily, passes the shield on to the Prince. The Prince turns to the crowd of Courtiers, unsheathes his worn-out sword, brandishes the pretty shield, and raises his sword to the sky - meaning, the ceiling. A sunray may pierce through the stained-glass window and make his blade shine for even more predestination. The Courtiers and the People cheer. It is him. It is time. _

THE KING FROM HERE, _very happy_ \- Breathtaking! Phenomenal! Unprecedented! We shall prepare the mounts for the Prince and his Squire! Herald! ( _Unprepared, the Herald steps closer to his King._ ) Starting today, the entire kingdom - what am I saying! the entire _world_ should hear about the adventures of the Prince and his Squire! Shall all the Bards of the entire universe sing to the glory of my son and tell the tale for his formidable quest! ( _The Herald nods and leaves the stage quickly._ ) Servant! ( _The Servant comes closer_ ) May the formidable banquet be dressed on this blessed day! ( _The Servant agrees and leaves the stage in a rush._ _The King from Here get pumped up.)_ Today is a day of celebration! My son leaves to be crowned with success, blessing, and love!

_ Under the clamor of the Noble kind and the agitation of the banquet preparations, the Prince exists the castle and the stage. He arrives on the forestage, honestly happy and humble, followed by his squire, pretty much in the same emotional state. Outside, the People crowd cheers and applauds again, seeing their soon-to-be hero on the departure. The Prince waves at the crowd - and suddenly gets all excited, unable to stay in place after so many years. _

THE PRINCE,  _ exclaiming  _ \- Ah, Squire! Do you hear this? Do you see this? The cheering of the People! The hope of the crowd! Such hope! Such warmth! It’s been so long we’ve been waiting for this day!

THE SQUIRE,  _ quite right _ \- You are supposed to put an end to their poverty, after all.

THE PRINCE,  _ laughing  _ \- And rest assured, I will do!

_The young man_ _starts to run around in the village like an enthusiastic soul - jumping onto chairs and stalls, greeting every soul he mets with a wink or a polite sentence, climbing stairs and hanging at beams, giving some random money to some random people, dancing and hopping around like he was taught to. His Squire is having some difficult time to follow him around, but tries her best. The following lines can be heard as the Prince gambols around the castletown and the Squire tries to awkwardly and clumsily follow his pace._

THE PRINCE - Come on, Squire, we won’t linger for another eternity!

THE SQUIRE - Ah, Prince, wait!

THE PRINCE - There’s no wait anymore! The quest starts now!

THE SQUIRE - We’re not forced to run around either! The travel will be long enough, we shouldn’t get too exhausted-

THE PRINCE - You’re talking to me about exhaustion, when all I feel is energy and heroic times! Justice! Deliverance! The end of conflicts! An happy ending for everyone! My beloved and me will offer this kingdom a peace they never had!

THE SQUIRE - Yes, Prince, but... Are you sure we have to leave today? Shouldn’t we train a bit more? Last time, we-

THE PRINCE - It’s been enough training! It’s been enough putting this departure back! My love should already be so lonely, with no tear left in their eyes to cry! Do you remember her eyes, do you remember her hair, do you remember her face? What a splendide creature!

THE SQUIRE,  _ out of breath _ \- But… We… We never met her…?

THE PRINCE,  _ full of air _ \- Ah, yes, but what formidable descriptions of her we got! I can imagine her so hard I could see her standing with us, right here, right now! We just have to pick her up and bring her back here! 

THE SQUIRE - Well, there is more than one obstacle… And, the dragon-

THE PRINCE,  _ playing around with his blade _ \- No obstacle between us and our destiny! No monster shall stop us! 

_ They finally arrive at the castletown’s exit. The Squire is tired already, while the Prince is just getting started. The People are applauding and cheering again. _

THE PRINCE - All this People counting on us! This is time to give life to our story!

_ The Prince and the Squire go on, the Prince a couple of steps ahead, both leaving for their grand journey. The light could be turned off, but not until we see the the King’s Uncle’s Brother-in-Law’s Cousin, still on stage, in the castle, looking at the Prince leaving the town.  _

THE KING’S UNCLE’S BROTHER-IN-LAW’S COUSIN,  _ bitter  _ \- Yeah, right. Nothing’s difficult when you’re the King’s son.

_ She remains thoughtful, with a mean air. Her Squire, with a simple-minded air, doesn’t get her. _

THE KING’S UNCLE’S BROTHER-IN-LAW’S COUSIN’S SQUIRE - Are you okay, ma’am? You’re not happy?

THE KING’S UNCLE’S BROTHER-IN-LAW’S COUSIN,  _ ignoring her Squire  _ \- We’ll see how far you’ll go, Prince.

_ She suddenly turns her back to the scene, and leaves the stage, making her stylish cape twirls around in a very badass manner and with an epic, ominous walk. She’s closely followed by her Squire who still doesn’t get a thing. Lights off. _


	4. Scene 3 - Encounters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _On their road to save the Princess, the Prince and his Squire make their first encounters in the forest._
> 
> _List of characters_
> 
> THE PRINCE  
> THE SQUIRE  
> THE HERMIT  
> THE PERSON WHO FINDS IT COOL AND THEN POSSIBLY LUCRATIVE  
> 
> 
> ***

_Lights over a thick, lush forest. It has this little mystical flair, lit only by a couple of sun rays piercing through the canopy. In the air hovers a soothing scent, one of buds, grass, flowery countryside where petals can twirl in the air without being judged ; a sweet, caring atmosphere, favorable to unexpected blossoming and bestial mating. The road isn’t straight ; as most of lives, it is bumpy, with turns, turnarounds and turnabouts - but no road should be easy for princes in quest for love. Speaking of, entering on stage under the voluptuous, innocent emerald foliages, the Prince comes._

THE PRINCE, _full of joy and haste_ \- What a joy!

THE SQUIRE, _out of stage_ – What a haste!

THE PRINCE – Come on, Squire! My dear love is still waiting!

THE SQUIRE, _brave but exhausted_ \- Well you obviously don’t have to carry all the supplies! And the tents! And other camping necessities! And the gifts for the Princess!

_She enters on stage, being weighed down under all the supplies, the tents, and many other camping necessities, including the gifts for the Princess._

THE PRINCE, _retracing his steps, helping her for a couple of steps –_ Excuse me, my friend, but you know how long I have been waiting for this day… 

THE SQUIRE – Yes, yes, _everyone_ knows. But now you can talk normally, and focus on the quest, before you bang into a tree.

THE PRINCE, _proud_ – Don’t worry, my dear, I may be short-sighted, but I know where we’re heading! I’m all ready for what’s to come, and I’m sorry if my enthusiasm made me look unprepared.

THE SQUIRE, _negatively_ \- Sure, it’s not like we’ve trained over fighting dummies and explored all your father’s dungeons.

THE PRINCE, _less joyful_ _and hasty_ \- If I might say, I fought real monsters, won real battles, and as far as the dungeons are concerned, the traps were still deadly, no matter to whom they were belonging. You were here, too.

THE SQUIRE, _still exhausted_ – I know, but… It’s not like… ( _she looks around_ ) Now, in the wild, on our way to the actual rescue… Facing the unknown… Where anything can happen… _(Trying to get brave again.)_ Sorry, Prince. I should not doubt your… predestination. I’m just eager to be back to the castle, I guess.

_Although the Squire doesn’t want to show any fear, the Prince has quickly guessed something was stressing her out._

THE PRINCE, _amused_ \- My dear Squire, what’s with the sudden negativity? It doesn’t sound like you. Would you be… ( _he insists_ ) _afraid_ of something?

_As the Prince teases his usually brave Squire, the Hermit enters on the stage. They are old but alive, hunched but knowing how to walk, covered with grey rags and a mysterious hood. They walk extremely slowly and silently, to such extent the Prince and the Squire don’t notice them._

THE SQUIRE, _not wanting to look weak_ \- M-me? _Afraid_? Certainly not! I’m the bravest Kingdom of the Squire! I-I mean, the bravest Squire of the Kingdom!

THE PRINCE - Yeahhhh, I won’t fall for it, I know you too well! ( _He looks around the Squire, ironizing and seeing right through his worried comrade_ ) Let’s see, what could frighten you, Squire? Some magical plant? Some ferocious creatures laying in the shadows? Wild unicorns? A gnome trap? An ogre ambush? Enchanted vines? Sticky mud pools? Something more… unexpected?

THE SQUIRE, _realistic_ – You never know what could attack us in magical woods! Bulky orc bandits, dreadfully skilled elves… And yes, that includes all the fauna! And the flora! 

THE PRINCE, _heroic_ – Come now, my dear! No need to worry! _(He brandished his rusty sword and fancy shield_ ) Shall a single threat dare showing the tip of their unexpected nose, your Prince would have already sliced it in three and in less time needed to say-

THE SQUIRE, _screaming_ \- AAAAAH!!

_Indeed, in the meantime, the Hermit had came closer to the duo. And the Squire just notices them._

THE PRINCE - That’s certainly an unexpected thing to say, but I- ( _he looks where his Squire looks, and sees the Hermit as well. He’s surprised and doesn’t even finish his sentence to start a new one_ ) Holy sacred mother and father of Sun! You scared us, unexpected person.

_Both the Squire and the Prince look at the Hermit, who, unshakeable in their determined walk, continues to get closer to the Prince veeeeeeryyyyy slowly. After some time, when the immobile Squire realizes that the Hermit is getting close to her Prince, she rushes between the two people and brandishes a bag of food as a shield._

THE SQUIRE, _helping -_ Prince, rest assured! I shall protect you!

THE PRINCE, _in no need of help_ – My, Squire, calm down! That’s no danger, that’s… an elderly person. A very slow one. They look like... a Hermit?

_Suddenly, the Hermit stops. They look for an item in their old rag. They take out and hand to the duo an old-looking scroll. The Squire gets very defensive while the Prince gets curious. The Hermit doesn’t move and simply hands still the scroll, their arm stretched out to them._

THE PRINCE - Hmm… Is it for us?

THE HERMIT, _with a very solemn but not very old voice –_ Aren’t you the Prince from Here?

THE PRINCE, _naively_ \- Uh... Yes?

THE HERMIT - Then take this instead of making me hang around like a fool.

_Despite the Squire’s defensiveness and reluctance, the Prince takes the scroll._

THE HERMIT – Thank you. Now, may you allow it, I will leave. 

_But before they leave, the Hermit raise their hand towards the Prince. The Squire gets very protective again and gets ready to defend her Prince whatever the cost. A pause._

THE HERMIT, _waving theirhand very slowly_ \- Goodbye, boy.

_Then, the Hermit exits the stage, carrying on his Hermit journey. Of course, they exit it very slowly. They have barely started their journey to leave the stage that the Squire finally finds the courage to speak out._

THE SQUIRE - What?! That’s it?! Don't tell me you will accept _this_ that easily, without saying anything?

THE PRINCE - And why not?

THE SQUIRE - But... You can’t just accept random items from random people! It could be poisonous! Doomed! Dirty!

THE PRINCE, _shrugging_ \- It's not dirty. It’s just a scroll. From an elderly. ( _Looking at the folded scroll_.) Maybe one of these elder scrolls the Priest told me about? _(Looking at the Hermit_.) And they are not random people. They are just a Hermit.

THE SQUIRE - A Hermit?

THE PRINCE - Yes. Strange, old people often coming in to play an unexpected yet necessary part in a heroic quest.

THE SQUIRE, _looking at the Hermit_ \- Are they?

THE PRINCE, _pointing at the Hermit_ \- They are. Look at them.

_The Squire looks at them. The Hermit is still not out of the stage._

THE PRINCE, _about to open the scroll_ \- If a Hermit gave us this, it should be an important item for our quest! Let’s take a look at it.

THE SQUIRE - Are you serious? Isn’t it dangerous, to open an elder scroll? There are rumors about them making you deaf if you read them unprepared.

THE SQUIRE - Isn’t the deaf sentence what you get when you contemplate love too early? ( _Then_ , _naively_ ) Well, who cares! I’m over the age of majority since this morning, I’m old enough to contemplate whatever shall be brought to me during my noble quest.

_Without any ceremony, the Prince opens flat the scroll. He reads it while the Squire prefers not to.  
_

THE PRINCE - It looks like… The plan for the highest dungeon of one of the most unfriendly castles...

THE SQUIRE - Is it?

THE PRINCE, _enchanted_ \- Squire! Incredible! I may be born short-sighted, but my great education in maps cannot fail me. It definitely looks like the map of the place we’re heading to! Where my Princess is held captive!

THE SQUIRE - IS IT?

THE PRINCE, _showing the map_ \- Look here: Princess Dungeon Map. ( _Indeed, the audience can see it written on the back: Princess Dungeon Map._ ) What a bargain! I’ve heard Hermits were helpful, but not to this point! 

THE SQUIRE, _not looking here, not risking to turn deaf_ \- Yes, it is… Certainly an opportunity, to have the plan brought by a mysterious individual…

_The Prince doesn't respond. He simply look at the Squire. A pause._

THE PRINCE - I’m sorry, what did you say?

THE SQUIRE - I was saying: it is certainly an opportunity, to have the plan brought by a mysterious individual…

THE PRINCE, _afraid_ \- Oh no, Squire… I cannot hear you anymore…

THE SQUIRE, _slowly panicking_ \- WHAT? Are you...? Are you deaf??

THE PRINCE - I see your mouth open, but I hear nothing!

THE SQUIRE, _about to be completely_ _panicked_ \- No, no, no! I knew it! I knew it! That was too dangerous to read this elder scroll! We shouldn’t have left the castle so early, we're so unpreapred! A simple scroll and we're screwed! We should… We should…

_The Prince laughs. A pause. The Squire realizes the trickery._

THE SQUIRE - Did you just pull a prank on me?

THE PRINCE, _still chuckling_ \- I’m sorry Squire, but that was too tempting!

THE SQUIRE, _upset_ \- That is not right! You cannot just make fun of me like this!

THE PRINCE - Ah, but that’s because I appreciate your company! Worry not, Squire, we’ll do fine. And see what marvelous encounters we can do during a noble quest!

_At this moment, we hear a Person running nearby, coming closer to the stage._

A PERSON, _out of the stage_ \- Stop them! Stop theeeem!

_The Hermit is still not even completely out of the stage that a Person shows up. Dressed very fancy, holding an important, sealed bag and with the air of someone who has a lot education, of whatever gender, they run to the center of the stage. Here, they stop, out of breath, trying to desperately reach out for the Hermit, who just exits the stage. Out of rage, the Person gives up, and prefer to catch their breath back calmly. After a pause, they stand up again, and look at the setting around them: the forest, the magical flair, this duo straight from a fairy tale. The Person finds it cool, and then, possibly lucrative._

THE PERSON WHO FINDS IT COOL AND THEN POSSIBLY LUCRATIVE – Heeeey… That’s not _too_ bad around here! A sense of magic… Mystery… Fairy woodland! ( _They sniff the air several times_.) Ah, I smell... wild love! An epic quest! An unprecedented story! It smells good! Very very good!

_The Prince and the Squire are both surprised by the Person Who Finds It Cool And Then Possibly Lucrative, the former happily, and the latter worriedly._

THE PRINCE, _whispering to the Squire_ \- Look, another marvelous encounter! So early after the first one!

 _The Person Who Finds It Cool And Then Possibly Lucrative_ _gets close and personal all of the sudden, even if they remain closer than personal._

THE PERSON WHO FINDS IT COOL AND THEN POSSIBLY LUCRATIVE - Would you be… adventurers, by any chance? 

THE PRINCE, _noble_ – Well, first, good morning, person of the People. Then, yes, I am indeed the Prince, on a noble quest to save my betrothed-

THE SQUIRE, _cutting off the Prince’s pompous presentation_ \- The Princess of Nearby… The Prince of Here... Uniting the Kingdoms… Haven’t you heard the Bards telling the tale in every tavern?

THE PERSON WHO FINDS IT COOL AND THEN POSSIBLY LUCRATIVE - YOU KIDDIN'? _YOU_ ARE THE PRINCE? ( _They laugh with a quite noteworthy laugh._ ) Huahuahuahua! _You_ are the Prince!

THE PRINCE, _upset_ \- What is _that_ supposed to mean?

THE PERSON WHO FINDS IT COOL AND THEN POSSIBLY LUCRATIVE - Oh, nothing, nothing. Bards are known for telling tales, but I didn’t know you would look like this! Without mentioning your Squire, who gets definitely described in other words. What an encounter, what a pleasure, ah! The Prince and the Squire! That’s the most bankable news of the day! An epic comedy for love! A lengthy journey worth a trilogy! A thrilling fight against a dragon, special effects included! Mysteries til the end, sequels, prequels and spin-offs! It’s all so cool, and possibly lucrative! ( _They seem unstoppable. They talk as importantly as business people_ . _They suddenly start to talk about their narrative background although no one asked for it_.) You know, Bards are telling the tale for free, but I’ve been telling myself - _this_ is such a shame, so many thrills given away with no monetary return! Stories are an occasion no one should let go! Epic tales are so marketable nowadays. People are bored by the wars and the conflicts and the duuuuuuull life of the everyday routine, especially adults. So I told myself - there are so many stories being told and being trendy, let’s find the next one before everyone else and make profit out of it! I left the city, and ventured in the wild - where the good stories are told to emerge from. I unexpectedly found this Hermit, and followed them, knowing that every good Hermit is part of an important quest. And look at what they lead me to! The Prince and the Squire, at the heart of the tale that started my whole business idea. What a happy, potentially profitable coincidence! What would you think about discussing business matters? Your story already starts on a very promising pitch, and I can smell twists coming along the way. Yes, I can feel it, I’m talking by experience. We could write books, play plays, sing songs, make dolls and toys looking like you and sell them to children to make them believe they could have your life and make them fantasize over an otherwise very dangerous journey for desperate love!

_Such speech and glibness leave the Prince and the Squire speechless. At least for a moment._

THE PERSON WHO FINDS IT COOL AND THEN POSSIBLY LUCRATIVE - So? May I join you and your Squire in your quest for business reasons?

THE PRINCE, _dubious_ \- I’m sorry, Person who find it all "cool" and then possibly "lucrative", but our party limit is of two, including the hero and his trustworthy Squire. Besides, you seem obviously motivated by profit, which has barely a place in a quest for healthy peace and love.

THE PERSON WHO FINDS IT COOL AND THEN POSSIBLY LUCRATIVE, _not sorry_ \- Sorry darling, but you’ll learn one day that money is making the world turn. I won’t be too hard on you though, since you’re still a young adult. Can we at least stay in contact through carrier pigeon? ( _They open their bag and drag out a piece of paper they hand out to the duo_.) Here’s my pigeon number. Please call me - or let your Squire do it for you, I don’t care much - if anything amazingly cool show up! We could make millions of gold coins out of it.

THE SQUIRE - He’s already the richest person in the kingdom.

THE PERSON WHO FINDS IT COOL AND THEN POSSIBLY LUCRATIVE - Darling, you’re never rich enough. Besides, you never spit on an opportunity to become the People’s icon, don't you? Or well, more than you already are. How do you think peace will be brought? Just do your quest. All the rest I do - it’s all benefit. Think about it. The power of fame. I’ll try to catch up the Hermit - I will have to ask them if they’re interested in partnership with a brand of elixir of youth. They're so energetic! And must have played an important part in your quest. See you later, moneymakers!

_The Person Who Finds It Cool And Then Possibly Lucrative leaves, walking as fast as a business person. Silence on stage. The Squire barely understands what has happened ; the Prince looks at the Princess Dungeon Map in his hand._

THE SQUIRE - Who knew money-driven people were jumping on any occasion to make money! Especially on a quest as noble as ours.

THE PRINCE, _wise_ \- The Priest always told me: you should never mix money and love, or you would always end up with complicated financial situations. Squire, let’s not lose our focus. We’ll complete this quest and shall keep this story accessible for everyone, whatever the costs!

_The Prince and his Squire exit the stage as they came: the former intoxicated by joy and alacrity, and the latter riddled with packages. Lights off._


	5. Scene 4 - Inside the castle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _After a long journey, the Prince and his Squire finally reach the castle where the Princess is being held captive and are close to face the dragon._
> 
> List of characters
> 
> THE PRINCE  
> THE SQUIRE  
> THE DRAGON (out of stage)
> 
> ***

_The Storyteller enters the stage calmly. We barely see a thing around them: it looks dusty and rocky, with humongous stone walls and gigantic empty rooms, looking very much like an oversized, dark, abandoned castle. At some point, we can see the Prince and the Squire entering the stage, dirty, exhausted, and who cannot take anything more._

THE STORYTELLER - The Prince and his female Squire journeyed across deserts and mountains, arid badlands, toxic swamps - the kind of places you only visit because your destiny, or your hometown, or your parents force you to do so. But thanks to their brave determination and the call of their heart, our duo of valiant travelers only needed a few days to reach the fortified walls of the impregnable castle that would hold love captive. Their extraordinary feasts and quest advancement were sung across entire kingdoms, here and nearby, Bards and Heralds competing on who would better tell the tale. Everyone knew about the quest, commented on the quest, talked about the quest when having a meal with people of a similar social rank. The quest for love became everyone's business, and everyone's business was to know when the Princess would be finally free.

_They exit the stage. The Prince stops and tries to light up a torch. Suddenly, the Squire tried to stop him. Both whisper to not awake any dragon that could sleep nearby._

THE SQUIRE - What are you doing?!

THE PRINCE - Well... I can’t read the map in the dark.

THE SQUIRE, _anxious, exasperated, whispering quickly_ \- Are you planning to light a fire?! In the middle of a dark castle where we’re supposed to sneak around to not be taken by surprise by the DRAGON living inside - are you crazy?!

THE PRINCE, _annoyed_ \- I know what I’m doing! And we need that map anyway.

_The Prince holds the torch in front of him, and does magic shenanigans with his free hand around the torch’s tip._

THE PRINCE, _out loud_ \- Lux solis-!

THE SQUIRE, _still whispering, interrupting him_ \- SHHHHHHH what are you doing?!

THE PRINCE, _whispering again_ \- I have to say it out loud for the spell to work!

THE SQUIRE - That’s super unpractical! Can’t you… say it out loud and be more quiet?

THE PRINCE, _talking fast_ \- For Sun’s sake Squire I’m not here to question the magical Priest’s teachings now can you keep quiet you’re the one here making unnecessary noise!

_Out of breath, the Prince breathes calmly. The Squire as well, looking sorry._

THE PRINCE - Okay… Okay. Let’s calm down. We’re… a bit tired, I think.

THE SQUIRE - Yes… You’re right. Let’s focus. Sorry.

_The Prince focuses again, before reciting the spell out loud._

THE PRINCE - Lux solis luminat!

_As the words of the Prince echoes, the torch lights up. The Prince and the Squire are waiting, frozen. But nothing else moves. Satisfied, and now with the torch lit, the Prince gives it to the Squire, both whispering again._

THE PRINCE - Hand it for me, please.

THE SQUIRE - You want me to-?!

THE PRINCE, _anxious, hurried, and annoyed at the same time_ \- Yes I want you to hold that torch for me will you do it or let me burn my hands while I try to unfold the map at the same time?!

_The Squire holds the torch hastily, allowing the tensed Prince to draw the map out of his bag. He unrolled it in front of him - on the roll’s back, visible for the public, is written “PRINCESS CASTLE MAP” in bold letters. While the Prince is busy reading and deciphering a lot of complicated scribbles at once, the Squire looks around with anxiety, avoiding to look directly at every dark corner of the desolated castle._ _A pause._ _Suddenly, looking into one of the dark corners, the Squire gets scared and screams. She’s obviously not whispering anymore._

THE SQUIRE - AAAAAH! WHAT WAS THAT?

THE PRINCE, _still on the map_ \- I am busy.

THE SQUIRE - B-But I saw something moving there!

THE PRINCE - Ugh, again, Squire? For minor monsters?

THE SQUIRE, _breathing_ slowly, _and speaking out loud now_ \- Yes, right, “Squire, get a hold of yourself!” Must be one of those giant rats, ahah. Who cares about rats? Even if they’re... giants. They’re no dragon! It’s... better than dragons. 

THE PRINCE - So you gave up the whispering, at last? Told you that would be no use.

THE SQUIRE - I don’t know. Maybe. Your spell didn’t draw in anyone after all, so… ( _Looking at the map, she switches to another topic._ ) Lucky us we were gifted this map!

THE PRINCE, _turning the map upside down several times_ \- Too bad it looks like it’s been written by a drunken orc…

_As the Prince is still squinting as the map, the Squire is silently taking glances at it above the Prince’s shoulder. The Prince notices it but may act as if he’s not annoyed. Is he really? After some time, the Squire innocently speaks out, pointing at a place on the map._

THE SQUIRE - Is that... the pit we could have avoided when we entered the castle?

THE PRINCE, _sarcastic_ \- I’m sorry Squire, are you trying to teach me how to read maps?

THE SQUIRE, _slightly upset_ \- Me? I would not dare, oh great Prince! Please deliver us from the great evil by using your immense knowledge all by yourself while denying your faithful Squire’s help!

THE PRINCE - I’m not denying your help! I just don’t like being... patronized.

THE SQUIRE - I’m not patronizing! I’m just trying to help you and not stand around like a candlestick!

THE PRINCE, _angry_ \- Helping? WELL IF YOU WANTED TO HELP ME YOU WOULDN’T HAVE LET THE HORSES LOOSE AGAINST THE OGRES!

THE SQUIRE, _arguing_ \- I HAD A GREMLIN IN MY HAIR!

THE PRINCE - WE’RE IN THE FINAL TRIAL! THE FINAL PUSH! THE FINAL STEP! WE HAVE NO TIME TO MAKE A MISTAKE! THE DRAGON--

_Suddenly, a rumble. A far, distant, yet eerily close rumble, making the whole castle shake and dust come off the secular beams. Suddenly, coming from close, a whoosh, an ember flood of light. Did we witness, for an instant, the shadow of a giant beast getting closer? Heavy footsteps can be heard..._

THE SQUIRE - You know what? If that moment is so important to you, you can just live it alone.

THE PRINCE, _surprised_ \- Squire? What are you...?

THE SQUIRE, _shrugging and going back to where they came from_ \- I wouldn’t want to be a pain. Have your moment of glory! I’ll wait for your _highness_ outside, if he eventually realizes that a Squire can be of assistance.

_She leaves the stage without any other word, leaving the Prince speechless for a moment._

THE PRINCE, _once the Squire is away_ \- But… The torch…!

_From outside the stage, the Squire throws the torch at the Prince, which may roll to his feet. The Prince still looks annoyed, but he doesn’t have time for that when a dragon is nearby. He puts the map away hastily, grabs the torch, draws out his sword, and turns to where the sound comes from, at the opposite side of the Squire, ready to face his destiny._

THE PRINCE, _in the castle, alone_ \- Alright then… If she doesn’t want to be part of it, I won’t stop her! It’s not the moment to turn around and walk away! You take the beast down, you save the Princess, and you get eternal love! Come on, Prince! Let’s meet our destiny!

_He runs on the opposite side, towards danger. Lights off._


	6. Scene 5 - Shady business

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _In an insignificant street of the castle town of Here, the King's Uncle's Brother-in-Law's Cousin hatch out dark plans amid the downtown's life._

_List of characters_   


THE SERVANT

THE KING’S UNCLE’S BROTHER-IN-LAW’S COUSIN

THE SQUIRE OF THE KING’S UNCLE’S BROTHER-IN-LAW’S COUSIN

THE POTATO MERCHANT

LE HERALD

THE PERSON WHO FINDS IT COOL AND THEN POSSIBLY LUCRATIVE

***

_The scene unfolds in a street of the castle town of Here. No need to say more, considering the architecture is not really interesting and won’t tell anything important for the audience to get anything about the characters - or even to the readers who would happen to be reading this instead of watching this being played. Unless, of course, the stage director wants to give this street of the castle town of Here a very specific middle-age flair or, even more daring, to add more meaning to this street than it should convey - in such case, they should live on with the consequences. As long as we have the Servant entering such an insignificant part of the town while whistling a middle-age air to reassure themselves, it should be fine. Out of the sudden, the King’s Uncle’s Brother-in-Law’s Cousin jumps out from the shadows onto the stage, her very stylish cape floating behind her and her clingy Squire scampering behind her. She walks with determination towards the Servant who is not seeing her coming… before patting their shoulder without any warning. The Servant screams. The Squire too (they are scared easily)._

THE KING’S UNCLE’S BROTHER-IN-LAW’S COUSIN - For the Sun’s sake, keep quiet!

THE SERVANT, _still shocked_ \- Ah, the King’s Uncle’s Brother-in-Law’s cousin...! ( _they’re panting a bit_ ) You… You scared me!

THE KING’S UNCLE’S BROTHER-IN-LAW’S COUSIN - You don’t need much.

THE SERVANT - Allow myself to say that it’s not really nice from you to suddenly send me a pigeon to meet in such insignificant part of the castle town, sneak behind me while I was looking for you, and touch me without my consent-

THE KING’S UNCLE’S BROTHER-IN-LAW’S COUSIN, _cutting them off_ \- Yeah, whatever. Let’s not lose my time, shall we? Do you have the intel I requested?

THE SERVANT, _embarrassed_ \- Well… You know… Spying on my King on behalf of one of his furthest parents is neither legal or safe for my body or my soul. If they learn what I’ve been doing for you, they are going to be so mad and angry and furious and-

_With a face impregnated with a mix of fake pity and faint disappointment, the King’s Uncle’s Brother-in-Law’s Cousin starts to walk ominously around the Servant like a cat having somber schemes for her prey. The air is getting as cold as her heart._

THE KING’S UNCLE’S BROTHER-IN-LAW’S COUSIN – My dear, dear Servant. Wouldn’t it be tragic if I lose my time to send an entire flock of giant gryphons raiding your pitiful shack of dried out dung so that they devour your poor companion raising your poor dozen of children just because you didn’t have the gut to eavesdrop on the door of the person who has treated you miserably for so many years?

THE SQUIRE OF THE KING’S UNCLE’S BROTHER-IN-LAW’S COUSIN, _mocking the Servant_ \- Ah, that would SUCK!

THE SERVANT, _who has turned more and more pale as the King’s Uncle’s Brother-in-Law’s Cousin was speaking -_ Y-y-you… You would not…!

THE KING’S UNCLE’S BROTHER-IN-LAW’S COUSIN - As if I cared.

_As the Servant stresses out under the avid eyes of his blackmailers, the Potato Merchant enters on the forestage with a grandiose gesture. Dressed up as a quite wealthy Merchant, he even has a ring to one of his fingers, stylish enough to be noticeable but discreet enough to not be robbed under daylight. He must be from the upper class._

THE POTATO MERCHANT, _out loud_ \- Potatoes! They’re round, they’re brown, they’re good, they’re new in town! Potatoes! All new, all fresh, all cheap! They’ll make you think you’re not skint! The Potatoes, the best the Sun bestows!

_The three people dealing shady business, hearing the Merchant, try to hide a bit in the shadows of their insignificant street to talk about more royal secrets. The Potato Merchant, however, has a keen eye and spots them._

THE POTATO MERCHANT, _shouting_ \- Oh, hey there! Yes, you, the people dealing in the shadows! ( _he brandishes a potato)_ Do you want some good potatoes? It’s new in town! ( _seeing that his introduction grants him more swearing than open arms, he dares to carry on)_ You know, I say “potato” because you rich people you know how to speak! The peasants don’t understand me, they say “errr, pot-a-toes? Don’t you put our toes in pot, you toes-eating gremlin!” and other dumb things before hitting me with their forks. When they’re not eating them raw... So, I’m starting to target a higher class, you know? That would actually seize the whole newness of this round, starchy concept-

_In the meantime, the King’s Uncle’s Brother-in-Law’s Cousin squints at the Potato Merchant. She silently but efficiently makes her Squire deal with him and walk him away. To be cautious, the King’s Uncle’s Brother-in-Law’s Cousin goes even deeper into the insignificant street with the Servant so that they can spill the beans hidden from sight of the passers-by._

THE KING’S UNCLE’S BROTHER-IN-LAW’S COUSIN - Damn business people! ( _to the Servant_ ) So? Speak!

THE SERVANT, _resigned_ \- I did gather details regarding the Princess’s rescue contract… You see, madam, the rescue will be officially complete only when the Princess’s rescuer will enter the castle-town of Here accompanied by their love - the Princess herself.

THE KING’S UNCLE’S BROTHER-IN-LAW’S COUSIN, _happy to learn this_ \- Excellent, excellent ! _(then, resuming her walking around the Servant with an evil air_ ) It would be unfortunate that an accident... or an unluckily deadly encounter... on their way back home... prevent this stupid lace-dressed simpleton from reaching the castle-town’s doors...

THE SERVANT - About this… The contract also had... other information… would something unfortunate happen to the Prince during his travel… Only his closest relative in the age of marriage would be able to take on the quest and save the Princess…

_The King’s Uncle’s Brother-in-Law’s Cousin suddenly stops._

THE KING’S UNCLE’S BROTHER-IN-LAW’S COUSIN, _angered_ \- WHAT?! HIS CLOSEST RELATIVE?!

THE SERVANT, _frightened_ \- Y-yes... His… Closest…

THE KING’S UNCLE’S BROTHER-IN-LAW’S COUSIN _, walking around the Servant again, faster_ \- His closest relative… But this miserable cockroach doesn’t even have a brother or a sister, just… Hundreds of random cousins... or so! What a stupid rule…

THE SERVANT – And, as the King’s Uncle’s Brother-in-Law’s Cousin, you are far from being the Prince’s closest relative...

THE KING’S UNCLE’S BROTHER-IN-LAW’S COUSIN, _frustrated_ \- We’re already aware of that, genius! Why do you think I’m calling this rule stupid? This damn Princess-in-the-castle plan, these damn destinies… 

_The Herald suddenly arrives downtown, on the fore stage, not far from the insignificant street. He unfolds a scroll of news._

THE HERALD, _full of energy, calling attention_ \- Hark! The King of Nearby is sorry to share the news of his cousin, the King’s uncle! The poor man ended up devoured by a dark unicorn! All our best wishes go to the family of the victim of this unlucky encounter!

_The Herald, his job done, exits the stage._

THE SERVANT, _sad_ – Oh no, that was the Prince’s closest relative…

THE KING’S UNCLE’S BROTHER-IN-LAW’S COUSIN - Was it?

_The Herald, who apparently didn’t have the full news report, enters on the fore stage again, and unfolds a new scroll._

THE HERALD, _a bit bothered_ \- Hark! The ex-wife of the King of Nearby has the great sadness to share the news of her husband, the King’s uncle’s brother-in-law! The poor man ended up impaled in the fight against his brother’s killer, the dark unicorn! All our best wishes go to the family of the victim of this unlucky encounter.

 _The Herald exits the stage for good, hopefully._

THE HERALD - Good Sun! The Prince’s… Second closest relative!

THE KING’S UNCLE’S BROTHER-IN-LAW’S COUSIN, _raising an eyebrow_ \- What a pity.

_Sadly, the Herald enters the stage yet again and unfolds a scroll of news. Yet again._

THE HERALD, _bored_ \- Hark. Another person reported a death, it’s a really sad and unfortunate day. Extreme sadness for… the deadly accident that took the King’s Uncle’s Brother-in-Law’s Father. The guy… _(checks his scroll_ ) ended up… trampled… in violent riots following the bear’s killings… Apparently peasants are asking for justice... and are accusing the nobility to do nothing… And his sister fell off the window by tipping over her chamber pot. Peace to their souls. All of our best wishes go to the people who are as fed up as the peasants about all this cruelty. ( _He sighs._ ) Honestly I just made this ending up because I don’t know what to believe anymore. But now you know. They’re dead. Sad world. End of news.

_The Herald exits the stage, thankfully for the last time, drained of his energy._

THE SERVANT - If… I’m not fooling myself, you are now… the Prince’s closest relative.

THE KING’S UNCLE’S BROTHER-IN-LAW’S COUSIN, _surprised_ \- Are you kidding me?!

THE SERVANT - Well, since you are the King’s Uncle’s Brother-in-Law’s Cousin… I believe you’re good.

THE KING’S UNCLE’S BROTHER-IN-LAW’S COUSIN, _her face lit up_ \- Haha! What a surprise! That means… I am the one who will get all the fame and glory if that little rascal of a Prince doesn’t come back with the Princess! ( _She gets carried away into an evil laughter_ ) Mwahahaha! Luck is with me! This time… I won’t lose! ( _She yells_ ) Squire!

THE SQUIRE OF THE KING’S UNCLE’S BROTHER-IN-LAW’S COUSIN, _who we had almost forgotten about_ \- Yes?

THE KING’S UNCLE’S BROTHER-IN-LAW’S COUSIN, _in her full glory, a sunray piercing through the dark alley_ \- After all these years in the shadow, I will finally get the fame and the glory I deserve! Saddle my steed and bring me my shield ; my destiny awaits!

 _She makes her cape fly in a very stylish air and exits the stage with a very stylish walk, followed closely by her not very stylish Squire. The Servant sighs, finally freed from many troubles, yet a bit troubled for having betrayed their King. Or… maybe not that troubled…? Once the King’s Uncle’s Brother-in-Law’s Cousin has left the stage for good, the Servant gets close to a dark corner of the insignificant street_.

THE SERVANT, _whispering_ \- It’s okay! They’re gone!

_Upon this signal, The Person Who Finds It Cool And Then Possibly Lucrative jumps out of the said corner. They may be as pompous as before but they have made an effort to blend in the shady side of the business with a very noteworthy outfit. No need to say, we still recognize them. They run up to the Servant._

THE PERSON WHO FINDS IT COOL AND THEN POSSIBLY LUCRATIVE - Thank you, thank you for the intel, my brave lad! 

THE SERVANT, _holding his hand out_ \- I’m not doing that for you.

THE PERSON WHO FINDS IT COOL AND THEN POSSIBLY LUCRATIVE - Yes, yes, have your money! ( _They gives them a purse filled with coins._ ) Keep your mouth shut, and you should have 5% of the earnings! I can assure you, it will be a lot. ( _They exit, then, out of stage, burst out with excitement_ ) This will make a ton of money!

_Lights off._


End file.
